i heart pirates

in fact, i heart two kinds of pirates:

1) the adorable and hilarious cartoon kind.











cartoon network has a new show called "the misadventures of flapjack". Its got a pretty neat style (the backgrounds are a sort of water-color-esque style that i've been really drawn to lately. the waves are really flat and layered... and its really genuinely funny. i even find myself yelling "ADVENTURE!!" like innocent little flapjack. i highly recommend you check it out.

2) the kind that come bearing gifts of free software.
'nuff said.

next project

i've been sort of inspired by the elliotts' determination and stick-to-it-a-tiveness with their month-long art-a-thon. i had an idea for a little portrait series. sort of inspired by scott-c and nathan stapley (more based on subject matter than style, but i guess we'll have to see how they turn out when they're done). i started the backgrounds of 7 6"x6" canvases this past weekend (i'll post pics to those later this week), and honestyly, i wasn't totally sure what i was going to actually paint the portraits of until this week. famous stereotyped villains. i did some sketches at work...


















(sorry for the poor quality scan)

baa

my mother-in-law often sends forwards to krystal and i. normally, i just junk it... its typically stuff like animated gif's of puppies or photoshopped images that she thinks are real. but i opened one she sent the other day and thought it was really cool.



















its a herd of sheep made entirely of rotary phones and phone cords. i think its extremely clever. i also have a think for sculpture anyway, so clever sculpture wins every time.

(insert sigh of relief here)

a co-worker cleansed krystal and i with white sage. it was dark and she couldn't read the correct spell (yes, i said spell), so she made up a little chant that rhymed "bad luck" with "fuck"... i was worried that would make things worse. its been about seven weeks of unwanted stress and hemorrhaging bank accounts. in retrospect, i feel like its all taken a larger toll on me personally than i thought. i don't think i've drawn a single thing since it all started. not that i've been so distraught that i couldn't draw. i just haven't felt like it. which sucks. i'm hoping to force myself back into it this weekend. but seriously...

broken doggy: no longer broken.
bothersome father-in-law: no longer in the country.

things are turning up. let's all keep our fingers crossed.

grey skies clearing?

not quite yet...

back story: going down to pick up krystal's dad from the hospital, we loaded up our car with a bunch of stuff out of his van to bring back with us (in hopes of selling it). among some of his clothes, personal documents and other little stuff, we grabbed a fairly large tv and a huge chest of tools. both very heavy. they've been in the back of my car because, as i said, they're very heavy and we weren't quite sure what we were going to do with them or where to put them until we did. no worries though, they're heavy and securely tucked in the back of my car.

fast forward to today: everything is all well and good. driving home from work and POP! i look in my rear-view mirror and the tv had shifted and broke out my back window. it didn't just crack, oh no. it put a hole in it. and i hear the crackle sound of the rest of the window breaking. great. so, so stop tiny pieces of glass from raining down on the road behind me, i push the entirety of my window (in tiny, tiny pieces) into the back of my car.

hooray for life.

are things starting to turn up for the werners?

so, basically, things have been pretty shitty. everyone knows that. waffles breaks her leg. extreme family drama with crazy hungarian inlaw. someone breaks into my car (in my own driveway no less) where my ipod is stolen. stress at work.
yeah. shitty.

well, i dont want to curse anything (even though kim offered to de-curse us by burning white sage), so i'll knock on wood. but this week has been really nice!
last night, sarah and justin invited us over for dinner. well, we get there, and they planned this whole, amazing ninja-themed dinner planned just to raise our spirits! sarah was wearing a kimono. they made their own placemats with ninjas on them. there was bamboo and lanterns. and then, another girl they work with (who turns out was, at one time, the tennessee state marshal arts champion) came out, dressed as a ninja and did this whole nunchuck show and brought out grilled meat served on sai! it was amazing. and! sarah, the best dessert maker ever, made banana spring rolls with honey and vanilla ice cream. absolutely hilarious and great evening.

AND...

its been a long time waiting (and saving up funds bit by bit), but we got a playstation 3! which may not be exciting for some, but i'm a huge nerd, and it makes me happy. it came with metal gear solid 4. now, i've never played any of the metal gear games (the first of which dates back 20 years, which means its got a long, complicated storyline that i know nothing about), but it is awesome! i'm usually not a huge fan of shooters, but this is a "stealth action" game, which calls for some more strategy, which i love. and thus far, the story is so applicable to all the shit that is going on in the world with a little sci-fi twist.
and the graphics are awesome to boot. and also, its a blu-ray player which up-samples regular dvds. meaning, the next movie night we have is going to be awesome.

lets hope things continue on this up-turn...

old french whore!

does anyone remember, back when 'saturday night live' was funny? back in high school, we'd always get together at somebody's house to watch it. i was thinking about the situation with waffles, and it brought to mind an old snl skit from 1997 where garth brooks was the guest star. it was a gameshow skit called 'Old French Whore!', where they teamed up high school honor students with old french whores to win fabulous prizes... well, when they're introducing everyone, they get to Cheri O'Teri who is playing an old french whore named Babette who has a sling on. Here's what happens:

Don Barbrell: Let’s meet our contestants! On the blue team we have Kevin Rheaume of Lansing Michigan! Kevin is a senior at East Lansing High School where he’s a proud member of the marching band!

Kevin: Hey Don!

Don Barbrell : Kevin your partner today is a 48 year old prostitute from Marseilles named Babette! Babette I heard you had a funny thing happened to you, uh, on the way to the studios.

Babette : [ With French accent ] Yes, a sailor broke my arm!

Don Barbrell : Ouch! Okay. Well! Good luck today!

it makes me wish i had remembered this sooner, so whenever anyone asked what happened to waffles, i could just say 'a sailor broke her arm' and offer no further explanation.

--

p.s. - whatever happened to Cheri O'Teri?

waffles, the cyborg

well, maybe she's an android... i'm not sure exactly what the difference is. but now that she's got a microchip in her back AND a metal plate and screws in her arm, she must qualify for one of them.


















yeah, its a very sad situation. last saturday, we were out playing with the dogs in the back yard, getting ready to go for a swim. we were playing fetch with waffles, and she, as always, was running full force. unfortunately, she couldn't stop herself before she ran into the fence. we both ran over to her and saw that her front right arm had an extra bend in it, much like this:

so krystal scooped her up (and was promptly bitten on the chin because waffles was sort of freakin' out), and we hauled ass to the nearest vet.

they did an x-ray to see how bad it was. it was a pretty clean break, but that also meant that it wouldn't heal correctly on its own. they said they would have to do surgery to put a stabilizing plate with screws in. and they couldn't do it until monday when a surgeon was in. so they had to sedate her, put her in a splint, and keep her there until the surgery monday morning.

everything went really well. she has to be in a cast for 6 weeks. she seems more frustrated than anything. shes already getting her energy back, and realizing she can't do what she wants to. but i guess that's nothing we can't deal with...

more cool design work

so we're doing a whole suite of print collateral for an accounting firm. each of the three designers in the office is doing a distinctly different direction to present to the client to choose from. mine has been deemed "most edgy". which means everyone in the office really likes it, but the client probably won't choose it...

cover:






















inner spreads (which for some reason, came out a different color when i saved it):
























edit: took out references to the company name... i guess you never know who looks at this stuff.

oops...

adios, moustachio...















due to an unfortunate shaving incident, my upper lip is now as hairless as... well, i can't say its hairless. its just much more like sandpaper than it is like a push broom. you may ask what a shaving incident entails that doesn't involve blood loss, but as you may or may not know, i don't use a razor pretty much ever. anyway, i was trying to clean up the lines of the 'stache, and my trimmer slipped. there went the pipes of the handlebar. i honestly tried turning it into a fashionable goulet, but it was way too creey. WAY too creepy. on top of that, i've missed like a week of photos on moustache may, and i'm picking up krystal from the airport tomorrow. i figured this would be a nice surprise for her.

funnest day at work ever? possibly.

we expanded on the characters i came up with last week. we've got a new lady in the office who is a creative writer, AND she's hilarious. she came up with some bank-themed pick-up lines that each of them will be saying, as well as names and a personality profile. it was really a lot of fun and we had total creative freedom. it was a good day.


















if you're wondering what a bank-themed pick-up line could possibly be, think about complimenting someone's "bottom line" and ask to see their "portfolio".

roller derby poster

this came up in conversation last night, and i realized i should put it up here to share.

must... learn... Illustrator...

here's my second real try at using Illustrator. the cool thing is, this is actually for work!

holy crap!

i realized how long its been since i posted anything and figured i should blow some minds today. check it out:

grand ol' time in rural virginia...

...leads to fun with picture takin'

hey brendan... you're gonna love this...

i got a very interesting email from my mom this morning:

"Your dad got a phone call last night asking if he had a basketball rim up in his shed. He thought it was a weird question, but he told them, yes, he did. He was asked if his barn was the old fashioned type; he told them, no, it was a tin shed but that they play ball in it all of the time. I guess that Obama is coming into Laporte County the next few days and has asked to play basketball in some farmers barn and whoever it was thought of your dad. A neighbor has an old fashioned barn with a rim in the hay mound but it is full of hay and probably wouldn't work. So today, your dad is going to find out if he is going to be coming to our farm or the other one! Your dad is so psyched!"

wow. why is it that the only exciting thing ever to happen back home happens when i'm 14 hours away?

meet chromeo...

from their myspace page:
"Chromeo is P-Thugg and Dave 1: best friends since their adolescence, virtuoso musicians, walking hip hop encyclopedias, and the only successful Arab/Jew partnership since the dawn of human culture."



thanks brendan.

hilarious...

[after seeing a guy wearing a red and pink camouflage hoodie]

me: that's ridiculous... when would you ever need red and pink camouflage?
krystal: maybe if you're hiding in a womb...

adventures in stock photography #2

search: pen (the writing utensil)
result:











it reminds me of how i wanted a pet goat growing up, and my dad wouldn't let me get one. not as ridiculous as it sounds when you grow up on a farm.

in case you were wondering...

you cannot use a hot chocolate mix packet to make cold, chocolate milk.

well, you can. but you definitely shouldn't.

'cougar' or 'cougar'?

margaret called me this evening and told me that two cougars had been shot in chicago.

you can see my utter confusion. i haven't laughed that hard in a long time. thanks marg.

adventures in stock photography #1

1) who would buy this?
2) what would they buy it for?
3) what is she doing the splits on? can anyone tell?
4) this was the first photo that came up when i searched for "magnifying glass"... if this is #1, i hate to think was #300 is... never going to photos.com again.

from the brain of marketing genius, brendan ash...

brendan has been helping me to color-correct and resize images for a website we're doing for a brazilian steakhouse. needless to say, there are lots of pictures of meat. well, on the history page of the site, theres an image of brazil on an old globe. and thus, brendan says...

"thats boring. you know what would be way better? if you had a picture of a hot, topless brazilian woman with, like, a thong! a thong made out of meat! a bacon thong! with meat hanging off of it! and you could have a dog chasing after her!"

well, brendan, this is for you...


















*note: those may not have been brendan's exact words, but you get the gist...

feelin' giddy

so i acquired another one of scott campbell's prints... very excited. its called "igloo head and tree head" (see below) and features two characters for a comic that he did in flight: volume 4, which i also own. its weird, for someone who has been artistic my whole life, he's the first artist i've really latched on to and connected with since i wanted to be a comic book artist back in high school. back then, my biggest inspiration was joe madureria (although i still think hes good, you can see how drastically my tastes have changed).

i don't know what it is about scott's stuff... i think its the idea's behind what he does (which i admit is where my creative issues arise). i read an interview with him once, and he said he used to tape record conversations that people were having around him in restaurants and on the train and what not... i think thats awesome. and you can really see that a lot (more so in his comics than his art, but you get it).

i was just trying to think of where i first heard of scott, and i remember that he was the lead artist and character designer for the excellent game, Psychonauts... seriously one of the best (and funniest, which is rare) games that i've ever played. its about a psychic summer camp for kids where they're trained to use their powers, and ever level of the game actually takes place in the psyche of another character. Coach Oleander (the camp counselor/ex-military general) has a literal battlefield in his head; Milla Vodello (international secret agent and party girl) has a disco club in her head... all very clever and all very hilarious. i think i'm gonna have to dive back into that one sometime soon...

perfectionist pattern

so my boss had me take a personality profile today at work. he's talked about it a lot in the past and how it helped him realize how he needs to deal with people and what not.

it was interesting. specifically, i took the DiSC profile which rates you in four different areas:

Dominance: People who score high in the intensity of the 'D' styles factor are very active in dealing with problems and challenges, while low D scores are people who want to do more research before committing to a decision.

Influence: People with High I scores influence others through talking and activity and tend to be emotional. Those with Low I scores influence more by data and facts, and not with feelings.

Steadiness: People with High S styles scores want a steady pace, security, and don't like sudden change. Low S intensity scores are those who like change and variety.

Conscientiousness: Persons with High C styles adhere to rules, regulations, and structure. They like to do quality work and do it right the first time. Those with Low C scores challenge the rules and want independence.

i wasn't a huge fan of the question format. they give you four statements about how you act/feel at work and are asked to select one that describes you the most and one that describes you the least. there were 28 total questions which lead to a rating between 0 and 28 for each category. my breakdown was:
Dominance: 2
Influence: 13
Steadiness: 25
Conscientiousness: 22

that ranking puts me in the "perfectionist pattern" and then supposedly gives me insight on my motivations, my work habits, my and ideal work environment. basically, i consistently produce high-quality, detail oriented work at the cost increased creative restraint and cautious deliberation.

good adjectives: dependent, charming, patient, loyal, courteous, logical
bad adjectives: predictable, mild, unsure, conventional, restrained, passive

i suppose thats fairly accurate.

**update**
so i just got done meeting with my boss, and found something very interesting. for your reference, here's the graph that i got with my assessment:


















it turns out my boss and i are complete opposites... my extremes (low D and high S) and are exactly flipped (he has a hight D and low S). i guess that puts a nice set of checks and balances in place in a business... food for thought.